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In the world of child development, few skills are as foundation – and as misunderstood – as emotional regulation. It is often referred to as one of the brain’s executive functions - a set of mental skills that include working memory, flexible thinking and self-control.Emotional regulation is the ability to recognise feelings, understand them and manage them using socially acceptable behaviours and reactions. It is not just about staying calm but being able to navigate the ups and downs of life with resilience and self-awareness. This skill helps children to pause before reacting, shift attention from distress, use strategies to calm down, reflect on their feelings and needs.&nbsp;Young children cannot develop this very abstract skill on their own or in isolation. They learn this important skill through experiences and through co-regulation – in which an adult supports the child in a calm, attuned way.&nbsp;But here’s a catch – do adults reflect on their own emotional state when they are supporting a dysregulated child? Are they attuned with the child or whirled up in their own storm? It is often observed that when the adult is dysregulated, the entire process of co-regulation can fall apart.&nbsp;Adults need to remember that they are communicating with the child not just through verbal language, but also through non-verbal cues – rolling of eyes, avoiding eye contact, tone of voice, hand, head, facial gestures – all of which can convey their own dysregulation to the child.When Dysregulation Meets Dysregulation – Story from my personal experience&nbsp;On a busy nursery morning, two-year-old Leo came to the nursery crying. He wanted to spend more time with daddy who had a very important meeting and had to leave after a difficult goodbye. As soon as Leo entered his room, he began throwing toys and pushing other children. Miss E, already stressed due to personal reasons, saw Leo’s behaviour and rushed over, raising her voice: “Leo, stop it right now!”The room tensed, Leo, overwhelmed and frightened, bit Miss E and ran to the corner. Miss E, now visibly frustrated, followed him, grabbed his arm firmly, shouted, “SIT DOWN HERE!”.&nbsp;The result? More chaos. Other children became unsettled and scared. Miss E’s dysregulation amplified Leo’s distress rather than soothing it. He continued crying loudly in the corner, unable to calm himself.&nbsp;How it could Have Gone Differently: A Co-Regulation ApproachNow imagine the same morning, but with a regulated adult response:Leo arrived at the nursery crying, upset about leaving his daddy. Miss E, noticing his distress, approached Leo with a calm energy. She knelt to Leo’s level, spoke gently, and said: “I can see you are upset. You want to spend more time with daddy. I’m here to help you.”&nbsp;She waited patiently for Leo’s response. After a few moments Leo hugged Miss E and cried. Miss E calmly stroked his back and stayed with him until he was ready to go inside.&nbsp;Leo then entered the room holding Miss E’s hand. Within a short time, he walked over to the play area and began playing with his friends.&nbsp;The story highlights the powerful impact of adult emotional regulation on a child’s ability to self-regulate. When adults respond with calm, empathy, and presence, they create a safe space for children to process their emotions and regain control.&nbsp;The process of co-regulation isn’t about perfection. It’s about awareness. Adults are human too, and we all have moments of overwhelm. But when we recognise our own emotional states and take steps to regulate, we create a safe space for children to do the same.&nbsp;&nbsp;So the next time a child is losing control, pause and ask yourself:“Am I the calm in their storm, or am I adding to their thunder?”Because in the end, regulated adults raise regulated children.<figure id="figure-w1c5bhkzttmddjn7rc"><img id="w1c5bhkzttmddjn7rc" src="https://cdn.durable.co/blocks/7LG0AXuExmirBleZCI1B7SBstaOzjMFHpbA2R7Bl5YMMriosqndroudaErpqsEOD.jpg" alt="" title="" class="object-cover bg-gray-100 " style="aspect-ratio: 16/9; object-position: center center;" data-corners="default" data-aspect="16:9" data-caption="" data-positionx="undefined" data-positiony="undefined" data-fullwidth="false" data-mce-src="https://cdn.durable.co/blocks/7LG0AXuExmirBleZCI1B7SBstaOzjMFHpbA2R7Bl5YMMriosqndroudaErpqsEOD.jpg" data-mce-style="aspect-ratio: 16/9; object-position: center center;"></figure>

Calm Starts with You : Adults Shaping Children's Emotions

As Early Years Practitioners, a priority for us when caring for children is to ensure that they lead healthy, happy lives. However, like everyone, children experience emotional ups and downs dependent upon stressors in their daily lives, including transitions (such as starting a new nursery, changes in the home environment), a new daily routine, frustration learning a new skill such as sharing, reading, drawing, verbal communication, learning language, jumping, running or riding a bike.From birth, children start to develop the full range of basic human emotions, identified in the 1970s by psychologist Paul Eckman, as happiness, sadness, fear, surprise anger, excitement, embarrassment, shame and disgust.These emotions have an influence on how children live and interact with others. Inability to manage emotions can lead to poor relationships later in life, or even violent, abusive or aggressive behaviour.<figure id="figure-988ytvesqmdd3rz39"><img id="988ytvesqmdd3rz39" src="https://cdn.durable.co/blocks/1RRX8M50cGq54Zs7PXPbybKygS3sCnbCqMJ0SGjZ5XMoASWr6xmWc78yrrhs2VSs.png" alt="" title="" class="object-cover bg-gray-100 " style="aspect-ratio: 16/9; object-position: center center;" data-corners="default" data-aspect="16:9" data-caption="" data-positionx="undefined" data-positiony="undefined" data-fullwidth="false" data-mce-src="https://cdn.durable.co/blocks/1RRX8M50cGq54Zs7PXPbybKygS3sCnbCqMJ0SGjZ5XMoASWr6xmWc78yrrhs2VSs.png" data-mce-style="aspect-ratio: 16/9; object-position: center center;"></figure>&nbsp; The Early Years Foundation Stage (EYFS) recognises that a cornerstone of effective learning and development is a child’s ability to socialise and express their feelings and emotions. Personal, Social and Emotional Development (PSED) has been identified as one of three prime areas of learning within the curriculum. However, what does this mean for early years settings and what steps can practitioners take to help nurture a child’s emotional development?Babies and children are influenced by the people they are with. As Early Years Practitioners we need to help provide children with the skills and confidence to manage their emotions both within the setting and at home. Children and families are faced with many challenges nowadays: fast-paced lifestyles, both parents working or one parent raising the family, healthy eating, poverty, bullying, high crime, and much, much more.Upon reflection does the learning environment, interactions with adults and learning opportunities within your setting support the emotional literacy skills of babies and children?WHAT IS EMOTIONAL LITERACY?Theories of emotional and social intelligence have been around since the 1920s. In the 1970s, American developmental psychologist Howard Gardner’s multiple intelligence theory transformed thinking about the relationship between emotions and learning. In the mid-1990s, psychologist Daniel Goleman coined the phrase ‘emotional intelligence’, based on the work of influential researchers Peter Salovey and John D Mayer. Daniel Goleman has suggested that there are five components critical to emotional intelligence. His book Working with Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goleman (Bloomsbury) outlines these five domains of emotional intelligence as:<figure id="figure-44e05q7fkjmdd3uedf" class=""><img id="44e05q7fkjmdd3uedf" src="https://cdn.durable.co/blocks/2bdXvPdscdKVqzS3Lnmq87FV3WCqSR9tHblWLCXCeLGitirJuV2CvefPn71WYV6j.jpg" alt="" title="" class="object-cover bg-gray-100" style="aspect-ratio: 1/1; object-position: 25% 30%;" data-corners="default" data-aspect="1:1" data-caption="" data-positionx="25%" data-positiony="30%" data-fullwidth="false" data-mce-src="https://cdn.durable.co/blocks/2bdXvPdscdKVqzS3Lnmq87FV3WCqSR9tHblWLCXCeLGitirJuV2CvefPn71WYV6j.jpg" data-mce-style="aspect-ratio: 1/1; object-position: 25% 30%;"></figure>While the term emotional literacy is still relatively new, the importance of helping children to recognise, understand and express their emotions continues to gain traction. Experts believe that emotionally literate children are more able to:empathise with others build quality relationships develop independence and self-confidence and, attain more academically Parents and Early Years Practitioners can help by modelling emotionally literate behaviours so that children can learn how to express their emotions in a healthy way.STRATEGIES FOR CREATING AN EMOTIONALLY LITERATE ENVIRONMENTChildren experience a lot of emotional ups and downs, just like adults. Developing their emotional literacy is a key skill to enable them to feel confident when expressing their feelings. As practitioners, taking time to establish a sense of belonging for each child helps to create an inclusive and caring environment. The Early Years Foundation Stage states that both babies and children experience emotional well-being when their needs are met and their feelings are accepted.5 strategies for an emotionally literate environmentScaffold learning: It is important to make each child feel valued. Be an active listener and follow children’s conversation without interrupting. Give them time to think and formulate their thoughts, questions or ideas, and involve them in decisions about what to choose to do, developing their interests and recognising their achievements. Developing emotional literacy is essential to children’s learning and development, supporting them to identify and communicate their feelings by expressing your feelings to help children identify and understand theirs. Make a point of talking out loud about your feelings. For example, say, ‘Oh dear, I have lost my keys, that is really frustrating.’ Provide a nurturing environment: Smile, welcome and greet children to ensure a smooth transition to the day. Work within the principles of the EYFS to plan experiences that are age and stage appropriate for the children so that they gain confidence and independence at mealtimes, getting dressed or trying new activities. When children feel emotionally safe and secure, they are happier an more comfortable expressing their emotions. Involve parents and carers: Encourage adults to support children to develop vocabulary to describe their own emotions and to share their experiences with children. Modelling in positive ways how to manage their own emotions. For example, using ‘feeling’ words to acknowledge and label emotions such as, ‘I am feeling very tired today.’ Then model strategies such as sitting quietly, taking a deep breath or going for a walk to manage the stress. &nbsp; Develop children’s interests: Involve children in choosing what they would like to do so that they gain independence in making choices. Be patient as they talk to you so that they feel confident taking risks and sharing their feelings and frustrations. Offer experiental play opportunities such as junk modelling, painting, songs, rhymes, building and role play scenarios as wells as circle time to enable children to express their feelings. Opportunities to express emotional language: Show children pictures of ‘feeling faces’ that they can imitate or talk about. Older children might describe a time when they experienced those feelings. A fun extended activity is to give children handheld mirrors so that they can look at their own faces and create a range of expressions of emotion. FURTHER READINGEmotional Intelligence: Why it Can Matter More Than IQ by Daniel Goleman (Bloomsbury) Emotional Literacy in the Early Years by Christine Bruce (Sage) How To Talk So Kids Will Listen &amp; Listen So Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish Working with Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goleman (Bloomsbury)

Emotional Literacy in Early Years

I go down the memory lane, when my son and I were together. He was 6-month-old, learning to sit, hold his head for a prologed time and co-ordinate his body. I still remember the first time he “told” me something without saying a word. We were sitting on the floor, surrounded by toys, when I noticed his gaze fixated on a bright red ball on the floor. He was still non-mobile, just able to sit. He didn’t point. He couldn’t crawl. Still learning to balance his head and coordinate his body whilst sitting with support. He just looked—again and again—with a shaking head- at that ball, then at me, then back at the ball. It was subtle, almost easy to miss. But in that moment, I realized he was speaking to me most powerfully. This is the magic of non-verbal communication in young children. Before they can form words, they use their eyes, facial expressions, gestures, and even the tone of their babbles to connect with the adult. And when we notice and respond, something extraordinary happens “we build their brains”. &nbsp; The Power of Serve and Return &nbsp; In child development, there’s a concept called Serve and Return. Think of it like a game of tennis. A child “serves” by reaching out—maybe with a look, a sound, or a gesture. Adult "return” the serve by noticing and responding appropriately. It is not a mere communication. It is wiring their little brains for connection, learning, and emotional security. &nbsp; These moments might seem small, but they are phenomenal. Every time I responded to my son’s non-verbal cue, I helped to build the architecture of his brain. Also, I was teaching him that his voice—spoken or not—matters. &nbsp; Eye Pointing: A Window into the Child’s World &nbsp; One of the most common and powerful non-verbal cues is eye pointing. A child might repeatedly look at a toy, a picture, or even a person, trying to draw our attention. It’s his way of saying, “Look at that!” or “I want that!” or even “I’m curious about this—will you explore it with me?” When an adult recognises and responds to these cues—by naming the object, bringing it closer, or simply sharing in their interest—the adult is doing more than meeting a need.&nbsp; It’s showing the child that we see him, that we understand him, and that his thoughts and feelings are important. &nbsp; Why This Matters So Much?Understanding and responding to non-verbal communication isn’t just about being a “good” parent or caregiver. It’s about giving children the foundation they need to thrive. These early interactions shape how they see the world, how they relate to others, and how they learn. And the best part? You don’t need fancy toys or special training. You just need to be present. To watch. To listen with your eyes as much as your ears. To respond with warmth and curiosity. &nbsp; A Personal InvitationSo, the next time your child looks at something with intent, pause. Follow his/her gaze. Let that moment be a conversation. Because in those quiet exchanges, you’re doing something truly profound: you’re helping the little brain grow, one loving response at a time. &nbsp; Let’s celebrate the silent language of our little ones. Let’s honour their eyes, their gestures, their unspoken words. Because when we understand their language, we give them the greatest gift of all—connection.

Recent blog posts

Calm Starts with You : Adults Shaping Children's Emotions

Emotional Literacy in Early Years

When Eyes Speak: The Silent Language of Young Children